when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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