maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
