my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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