Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
