my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize