your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
