The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
please come you make the beer taste better
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
