I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
