i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
