This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize