I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
