In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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