She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize