Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
