remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize