I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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