and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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