OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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