i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Don't EVER smell your tampon
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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