Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
