no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
