I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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