I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
