Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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