She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
