Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
