I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
