I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
