They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
