The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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