dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
