I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dicks are not precious.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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