I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
