you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
