im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
