Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
