He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just googled if crying burns calories
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
