So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
