if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
