I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Too much gin, very little bucket
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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