The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
