Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
