I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
