You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
