Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
