I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Panties = found
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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