Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
