I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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