If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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