first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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