I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
