Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
