i think my mom watched the whole time
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize