chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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