Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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