Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
