You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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