You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
