Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
