I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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