Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You pole danced in your parka.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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