Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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