I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
