I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
