dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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