I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
