And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
